Parental influence on children's future: family patterns, subconscious partner choice and healthy parenting
What is family therapy, for whom is family therapy and why is it necessary?
Family therapy helps you to see places that you might not otherwise see in your everyday life. Family therapy is mainly about relationships. But also in the context of helping people to better understand why they make the choices they do - in terms of partners or in any other area of life. Family therapy is a good way for you and your partner to get in better touch with yourself so that you can then express your wants and needs better. There is no need to wait for a problem or a symptom to go to therapy. It is highly advisable to see a therapist before the disorder has developed. The earlier a person sees a professional, the faster and more effective the outcome.
For example, in children, behavioral problems are already a symptom for which it is important to see a family therapist. The sooner the problem(s) is addressed, the better it is for the child.
What is the family system and how does it affect us? How do our parents affect us?
Whether we like it or not, our very being is built largely on our parents, relatives, and family lineage. There are a lot of patterns and programs within us that we subconsciously follow on a daily basis.
For example, what my relationship has been like with my parents, and siblings - comes up when one forms a close relationship, for example, a couple relationship with a partner.
Family patterns and programs begin to speak again within us when we create a couple relationship. This is the 'backpacker's content'. To give a more profound example: if parents have been very neglectful of their child at one time in their lives, all these traumas will manifest themselves in the next close relationship, the couple relationship. Without the person at that point accurately understanding and being able to see the bigger picture of what has happened to them in relation to their primary carers, i.e. their relationship with their parents in the past.
So each person goes into the relationship as if with their own 'backpack', in other words, what is the background of their family of origin. It is therefore important for everyone to understand what is in their 'backpack', i.e. what are their needs, desires, and feelings. It is then good to get to know the "contents of your partner's backpack". Understanding the contents of each other's baggage will help to build a healthier and safer relationship.
How does the "content of our backpack" affect our partnership anyway?
It is important in a relationship that each partner starts to see their part of the relationship. What his or her own responsibilities are, and how his or her partner can support him or her in this.
One of the most common fears in a relationship is that our partner will leave us behind. You have a strong fear of abandonment inside you. The existence of this fear is independent of whether or not your partner has done something wrong. This fear often comes from some bad experience or trauma related to our childhood origins. In this case, you are just that much more vulnerable to this fear, whatever the reality.
The important thing to notice here is that if your security vessel is unfilled, no partner can fill it. When it comes to a tender spot, we can react more strongly in certain situations. Blame, bring up other issues, get offended, etc. At this point, it is important to take responsibility for your own fears and communicate to your partner what it is about you that made you react in this way. In this way, your partner will also be able to understand you better and help you to provide what you really need. It is also important, however, to work through the pain with your family of origin if possible.
How do we unconsciously choose our partners?
The subconscious always draws us toward the familiar. So you may have noticed that your partner reminds you a lot of one of your parents, in nature or behavior.
If there have been very difficult problems or traumas in the family of origin, there is also a high chance of ending up in a dysfunctional relationship.
To give an example of growing up with emotional or physical violence - if women/men have grown up in a violent environment, this pattern may be repeated. They may subconsciously choose partners who have a similar pattern to their parents.
What is a destructive parenting pattern?
There are, for example, "helicopter" parents. These parents are only oriented towards their child, but already in an unhealthy way. It is a pattern of over-parenting.
Often such a parent does not realize that his or her young child has already grown into a separate personality. The parent may be so focused and sensitive to the child's needs that he or she does not allow the child to learn on his or her own. This parent is always on the defensive, always trying to do everything for the child. Perhaps it is a case of too much love, which can also be damaging. The child is poorly prepared for an independent life. The child has not had the chance to deal with his emotions and regulate his anxiety. The child may have poor social skills. He or she may not be able to cope as well as he or she should.
It is often difficult for people to understand how excessive love can be harmful to a child. Citing the everyday example of a parent trying to keep a child from every danger by making constant remarks, it can be considered a major risk that the child does not learn his or her own area of responsibility. It is very important that as a person grows up, he or she also learns his or her part. What is my area of responsibility, what can I do myself? If all the time the parent is regulating and telling what is right and wrong, then the responsibility lies with the parent. The child does not learn self-regulation or self-understanding. This culminates in a life of blaming others and expecting others to do everything they can to be better. As an adult, this leads to many problems.
Another variation of this pattern is when the child is placed in a more important position than he is. Sometimes even in the position of a partner. This involves giving too much responsibility to the child. The child learns from a very early age to take on a great deal of responsibility that is not at all appropriate for him or her. In such families, boundaries are messed up. The child has not been allowed to be a child and perceives himself as equal to adults. In later life, it is very difficult for the child to cope with this role, because it tends to take on too much responsibility for everyone else.
What should be a parent's real priority?
As a parent, it is important to understand that the priority should be the couple relationship. By taking care of your own relationship, the child/children will generally have a good and secure environment in which to grow up. In this case, there is also no over-focusing on the child.
It is very difficult to develop good parenting if the couple relationship is not working. The two roles are deeply intertwined. A good couple relationship is the basis for good parenting. If we as parents are cooperative parents, the child will really enjoy living in that family. It allows the child to experience adequate boundaries. With healthy boundaries in place, the child will also be able to set his or her own boundaries in later life and respect those of others.
Emotional and functional language
As a parent, it would be important to teach your child how to manage and notice their own emotions. Often the focus is on teaching functional activities such as washing the dishes, rather than teaching the child to be in touch with themselves.
We evaluate parenting in 3 categories:
1. Functional language - basic needs met economic situation, how well parents are coping and how well the child is physically safe and cared for.
2. Emotional language - how the child feels. Are the child's emotional needs adequately met? The child's emotional needs are noticed and responded to.
3. Social skills - preparing the child for adulthood. How to cope with life?
A few important tips for parents on what to do and what not to do when raising children:
1. It is important to know who the child is at different stages of development.
2. Warm, assertive behavior creates healthy boundaries.
3. Noticing the child's needs. A prerequisite for this is that I, as a parent, have my own needs met.
Advice for successful relationships with both self and loved ones:
1. Take time to reflect on the relationship you have with your own mother and father and why.
2. Go talk openly with both your mother and father about your feelings and needs and be honest with what is here and now.
3. Talk openly and from a clean place about some of the childhood issues that have stuck with you.
Book recommendation: A useful book on parenting is "The Legacy of Emotionally Immature Parents." It will also help us to better understand where we ourselves are coming from. The goal is to understand ourselves better and, in turn, understand our children better.
Listen more on our podcast episode with Jelena Põldsam → https://youtu.be/6ERL-Y3bS9k
